Craig and Ivy
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Deliverance From Addiction
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2/12/2010
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Resurrected from the Idolatry of Addiction
It has been 5 years since my wife, Ivy, gave me an ultimatum: either we sought counseling or she was leaving me, and taking our two children with her.
I got angry (as usual), but I figured I’d go once or twice, just to please her.
Ivy made an appointment with a “Christian” counselor. I wasn’t too happy about that. You see, I had been running from God for a long time. I was what people call a “PK”-pastor’s kid.
At that very first session we had to fill out a form that listed potential problems. Ivy checked “addictions.” I didn’t. So, when Bill asked about it I didn’t want to talk about, but Ivy spilled the beans telling Bill & Penny that I was addicted to pain pills, and she went on to say that I was controlled by my meds and she thought they were a big factor in my moods, my anger and my depression.
Ivy turned and looked at me, and I had to be honest. Those pills were my lifeline.
At that point Bill told us if there was any kind of addiction involved it was, in effect, an idol that had to be torn down before any kind of marriage counseling could have any effect. He recommended I go get help for the addiction before we try marriage counseling. I remember thinking to myself: This guy ain’t too smart telling us to go somewhere else. That can’t be good for his business. I didn’t know Bill and Penny then the way we know them now.
I guess that was the wake-up call I needed. My wife and children moved in with her parents while I went into a 12 month program to work on my addiction. If I hadn’t done that my wife and children would be have been gone for good. Speaking the truth in love at that initial meeting with Bill and Penny sent us on a journey that God used to restore my relationship with Him, then with my wife and children. During my time in the program I threw away my idols, and for the first time I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior. You see, all these years I played the game. After all, my father was a pastor. I knew the lingo, but in my heart while I thought I was in control, the truth is that my addiction was in control. It was my god.
When I graduated from the program Ivy and I went back to Bill and Penny for about another year of counseling. But now it was working. I’m sure Bill and Penny could have counseled us in the beginning dealing with just surface issues, but nothing would have really been resolved as long as I had my idol. They loved us enough even then, when they didn’t know us, to tell us the truth: the addiction has to be taken care of before any marriage counseling could really have effect. The drugs had to go before the relationship could even begin to heal.
A lot has changed in the last five years. I am so grateful to God for putting people in our lives like Bill and Penny who were willing to speak the truth in love without condemnation. They have taught us so much; things I never knew that I didn’t know!
I got angry (as usual), but I figured I’d go once or twice, just to please her.
Ivy made an appointment with a “Christian” counselor. I wasn’t too happy about that. You see, I had been running from God for a long time. I was what people call a “PK”-pastor’s kid.
At that very first session we had to fill out a form that listed potential problems. Ivy checked “addictions.” I didn’t. So, when Bill asked about it I didn’t want to talk about, but Ivy spilled the beans telling Bill & Penny that I was addicted to pain pills, and she went on to say that I was controlled by my meds and she thought they were a big factor in my moods, my anger and my depression.
Ivy turned and looked at me, and I had to be honest. Those pills were my lifeline.
At that point Bill told us if there was any kind of addiction involved it was, in effect, an idol that had to be torn down before any kind of marriage counseling could have any effect. He recommended I go get help for the addiction before we try marriage counseling. I remember thinking to myself: This guy ain’t too smart telling us to go somewhere else. That can’t be good for his business. I didn’t know Bill and Penny then the way we know them now.
I guess that was the wake-up call I needed. My wife and children moved in with her parents while I went into a 12 month program to work on my addiction. If I hadn’t done that my wife and children would be have been gone for good. Speaking the truth in love at that initial meeting with Bill and Penny sent us on a journey that God used to restore my relationship with Him, then with my wife and children. During my time in the program I threw away my idols, and for the first time I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior. You see, all these years I played the game. After all, my father was a pastor. I knew the lingo, but in my heart while I thought I was in control, the truth is that my addiction was in control. It was my god.
When I graduated from the program Ivy and I went back to Bill and Penny for about another year of counseling. But now it was working. I’m sure Bill and Penny could have counseled us in the beginning dealing with just surface issues, but nothing would have really been resolved as long as I had my idol. They loved us enough even then, when they didn’t know us, to tell us the truth: the addiction has to be taken care of before any marriage counseling could really have effect. The drugs had to go before the relationship could even begin to heal.
A lot has changed in the last five years. I am so grateful to God for putting people in our lives like Bill and Penny who were willing to speak the truth in love without condemnation. They have taught us so much; things I never knew that I didn’t know!
Anonymous
It Was About Respect |
6/12/2009
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Today is my birthday; I am 55 years old. I thank God for the marriage we have today, but it wasn’t always so good.
Two years ago I realized that my husband and I hardly had any time for “us.“
I was feeling lonely and abandoned. Whenever I approached my husband, Gilbert, about having a conversation with me he would always change the subject. He never wanted to talk about it. When we got into arguments he would shout at me “Why should I talk to you; you don’t respect what I have to say anyway.” I didn’t see it that way. One day, it got so bad he called me a miserable wretch. It hurt so much to hear those words, but as I got to thinking I realized, I was miserable. Things went from bad to worse.
I finally made an appointment with my pastor. As I spoke to him he seemed to think that perhaps spending some time with a marriage counselor would help us. He thought we had 35 years of stuff to deal with.
I called Marriage Savers, and I was kind of scared of what was going to be said. I really thought I was the best wife Gilbert could ever have. I woke up earlier than him to make him breakfast, I did his laundry, I made his lunch and set it in the refrigerator the night before. Dinner was always a good hot meal even though I worked further away than Gilbert worked. What more could he asked for?
As I began counseling I was asked to invite Gilbert to come. By some miracle he did. We were in session one day when we were given the assignment to list three things we would like more of from one another. Gilbert was first. He asked for “Some” respect. I saw red! How dare he use that in our counseling! That was not true! We were learning reflective listening so all I could do was to repeat back what I had heard. I couldn’t explain how wrong Gilbert was. We got through the exercise and before we finished the session I was asked what I was feeling at that moment because I looked really upset.
I began to share how Gilbert always says I don’t respect him and I explained all I do for him. I thought that showed respect, but I didn’t realize it had more to do with my tone of voice when I spoke to Gil, than anything I ever did for him. He explained how he always felt I was talking “down” to him. The counselor shared Ephesians 5: 33 “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (NIV) I could not believe what was being said. It was straight from the Bible. All these years I was trying to love Gilbert with acts of service and all he asked for was respect in the way I spoke to him. He told me that was the reason he never wanted to talk to me about anything important. I felt so small in that session. No one made me feel that way; it was just me.
What I learned that day in the counseling room was life changing. I also learned that when I respected Gilbert in the way he needed to be respected, it also pleased God! It wasn’t even about me. It was about pleasing God and receiving the gift He gave me 35 years ago in Gilbert.
It took this lady a good year of teaching but I can honestly say that day in counseling with Bill & Penny was
a pivotal one in my marriage, and it has never been the same since. We are now walking in a new relationship of love and respect with each other. We both have learned more about what God expects of us. Thank you Lord!
Two years ago I realized that my husband and I hardly had any time for “us.“
I was feeling lonely and abandoned. Whenever I approached my husband, Gilbert, about having a conversation with me he would always change the subject. He never wanted to talk about it. When we got into arguments he would shout at me “Why should I talk to you; you don’t respect what I have to say anyway.” I didn’t see it that way. One day, it got so bad he called me a miserable wretch. It hurt so much to hear those words, but as I got to thinking I realized, I was miserable. Things went from bad to worse.
I finally made an appointment with my pastor. As I spoke to him he seemed to think that perhaps spending some time with a marriage counselor would help us. He thought we had 35 years of stuff to deal with.
I called Marriage Savers, and I was kind of scared of what was going to be said. I really thought I was the best wife Gilbert could ever have. I woke up earlier than him to make him breakfast, I did his laundry, I made his lunch and set it in the refrigerator the night before. Dinner was always a good hot meal even though I worked further away than Gilbert worked. What more could he asked for?
As I began counseling I was asked to invite Gilbert to come. By some miracle he did. We were in session one day when we were given the assignment to list three things we would like more of from one another. Gilbert was first. He asked for “Some” respect. I saw red! How dare he use that in our counseling! That was not true! We were learning reflective listening so all I could do was to repeat back what I had heard. I couldn’t explain how wrong Gilbert was. We got through the exercise and before we finished the session I was asked what I was feeling at that moment because I looked really upset.
I began to share how Gilbert always says I don’t respect him and I explained all I do for him. I thought that showed respect, but I didn’t realize it had more to do with my tone of voice when I spoke to Gil, than anything I ever did for him. He explained how he always felt I was talking “down” to him. The counselor shared Ephesians 5: 33 “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (NIV) I could not believe what was being said. It was straight from the Bible. All these years I was trying to love Gilbert with acts of service and all he asked for was respect in the way I spoke to him. He told me that was the reason he never wanted to talk to me about anything important. I felt so small in that session. No one made me feel that way; it was just me.
What I learned that day in the counseling room was life changing. I also learned that when I respected Gilbert in the way he needed to be respected, it also pleased God! It wasn’t even about me. It was about pleasing God and receiving the gift He gave me 35 years ago in Gilbert.
It took this lady a good year of teaching but I can honestly say that day in counseling with Bill & Penny was
a pivotal one in my marriage, and it has never been the same since. We are now walking in a new relationship of love and respect with each other. We both have learned more about what God expects of us. Thank you Lord!
Testimony From Tony & Kristin
Testimony From Tony & Kristin |
3/1/2009
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As we finished singing, God is an Awesome God! in church on Sunday our pastor asked us to think about a situation that we knew God had His hand in and was changing.
My mind immediately focused on our marriage. Six months ago we found ourselves in a situation where we had lost sight of each other's needs. That loss of focus led each of us to decisions that would put the future of our marriage in question. We had come to a place where we needed to make a decision if the marriage we had built over the past 11 years was worth fighting for. Thankfully, we both made a commitment to make our marriage a priority and begin marriage counseling. By the grace of God we began the restoration process one day at a time. Before we knew it days became weeks, weeks became months and we started to rebuild the foundation that was crumbling.
We are proud to report we are now working as a team when it comes to the kids, household jobs, and even problems we are having. Our communication is also improving. When something is bothering one of us we are learning to rely on each other for comfort and prayer instead of isolating ourselves. Through this situation we have learned to take our problems and concerns to the Lord for solving. We make it a priority to find time alone to talk and reconnect. It has been so nice to feel like best friends once again!
It amazes us how God can take something that is broken and put his touch on it and make it whole again. How blessed we are that our God is an awesome God! * * * *
My mind immediately focused on our marriage. Six months ago we found ourselves in a situation where we had lost sight of each other's needs. That loss of focus led each of us to decisions that would put the future of our marriage in question. We had come to a place where we needed to make a decision if the marriage we had built over the past 11 years was worth fighting for. Thankfully, we both made a commitment to make our marriage a priority and begin marriage counseling. By the grace of God we began the restoration process one day at a time. Before we knew it days became weeks, weeks became months and we started to rebuild the foundation that was crumbling.
We are proud to report we are now working as a team when it comes to the kids, household jobs, and even problems we are having. Our communication is also improving. When something is bothering one of us we are learning to rely on each other for comfort and prayer instead of isolating ourselves. Through this situation we have learned to take our problems and concerns to the Lord for solving. We make it a priority to find time alone to talk and reconnect. It has been so nice to feel like best friends once again!
It amazes us how God can take something that is broken and put his touch on it and make it whole again. How blessed we are that our God is an awesome God! * * * *
John & Christie
A Better Holiday |
1/18/2009
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I was sitting in my office thinking of this coming holiday season and how different it will be from last year. Last Christmas we almost broke up. My wife Christie and my parents just didn't get along. When we first got married everyone loved Christie, but seven years and two grandchildren later, my parents just tolerated Christie.
Christie was uncomfortable attending family functions, so I tried attending her church with her and the kids just to satisfy her.
I didn't understand why Christie was so unhappy with my parents. The family business provided our income. Sure, the hours were long, but that's how it is in retail. Holidays are even longer hours. I just can't stand the holidays. People shopping till all hours of the night and demanding anything they think you should have even if the store doesn't advertise it.
Then I had to squeeze in the church stuff with Christie. It was tough. I didn't understand her faith. I thought she was a little extreme. She kept saying, "But God's word says." That used to get me angry. She read the Bible all the time. I didn't think I could compete with God. My family thought she was a nut. We couldn't talk about anything especially my family. Christie told me about some marriage counselors who helped our friends with their marriage, so I agreed to try it.
That was a year ago. Today, everything is different. I remember our first session with Bill and Penny. They reminded me of my parents, and yet some of the things they said rubbed me the wrong way. I was especially conflicted when they talked about God's order for families. Bill explained how God had made me the head of my family, but he was also quick to point out that meant I was only the head servant. Then my priorities were supposed to be God, my wife, my children and then my parents and the business. At first that was hard to grasp, because I had always seen my parents and the business as what made it possible for me to have a marriage and a family, but I learned that we had what Bill called a crowded marriage, and my parents were coming between me and Christie, and that was out of order. I eventually learned it had to be God first, then my wife, then my children, then everyone else including my parents. That was a hard lesson, and it took some adjusting for everyone, including my parents.
All I can say is this Christmas I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm even talking to my Dad about the Bible. With Bill and Penny's help God is putting our lives in right order. Some might call me extreme now, but I don't care. There's nothing wrong with extreme peace and joy especially during the holidays!
God is still working on putting things in right order in our lives, but at least Christie and I are working on it together, and I can even see it in my children's faces that they are happier. The look on their faces is what makes it all worth it. For that, we are so grateful, and I've learned to give God the glory for it. *
Christie was uncomfortable attending family functions, so I tried attending her church with her and the kids just to satisfy her.
I didn't understand why Christie was so unhappy with my parents. The family business provided our income. Sure, the hours were long, but that's how it is in retail. Holidays are even longer hours. I just can't stand the holidays. People shopping till all hours of the night and demanding anything they think you should have even if the store doesn't advertise it.
Then I had to squeeze in the church stuff with Christie. It was tough. I didn't understand her faith. I thought she was a little extreme. She kept saying, "But God's word says." That used to get me angry. She read the Bible all the time. I didn't think I could compete with God. My family thought she was a nut. We couldn't talk about anything especially my family. Christie told me about some marriage counselors who helped our friends with their marriage, so I agreed to try it.
That was a year ago. Today, everything is different. I remember our first session with Bill and Penny. They reminded me of my parents, and yet some of the things they said rubbed me the wrong way. I was especially conflicted when they talked about God's order for families. Bill explained how God had made me the head of my family, but he was also quick to point out that meant I was only the head servant. Then my priorities were supposed to be God, my wife, my children and then my parents and the business. At first that was hard to grasp, because I had always seen my parents and the business as what made it possible for me to have a marriage and a family, but I learned that we had what Bill called a crowded marriage, and my parents were coming between me and Christie, and that was out of order. I eventually learned it had to be God first, then my wife, then my children, then everyone else including my parents. That was a hard lesson, and it took some adjusting for everyone, including my parents.
All I can say is this Christmas I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm even talking to my Dad about the Bible. With Bill and Penny's help God is putting our lives in right order. Some might call me extreme now, but I don't care. There's nothing wrong with extreme peace and joy especially during the holidays!
God is still working on putting things in right order in our lives, but at least Christie and I are working on it together, and I can even see it in my children's faces that they are happier. The look on their faces is what makes it all worth it. For that, we are so grateful, and I've learned to give God the glory for it. *
Mike & Karen's Testimony
From The Brink |
3/29/2006
|
If anyone had told us we would be writing a story telling how God restored our marriage, I would have laughed. Ours was one of those situations that was beyond help, even for God -at least that's what I thought.
Actually, at one time we had a pretty good marriage, until September 11, 2001 when my husband lost his brother, a firefighter at the World Trade Center. This put a terrible stress on our family. It was the nightmare of nightmares, and unfortunately our marriage wasn't strong enough to withstand the strain. Little by little the silent resentment continued to build until one big fight changed everything. My husband wanted nothing to do with God. I was angry with him, with God, and with everyone else! After all, how could God let this happen?
Our marriage was falling apart! Things went from bad to worse until I finally asked my husband to leave. We were separated for 1 year. During that time there were lawyers, affairs on both parts, and our kids were going crazy. I remember crying out to God asking him if He was dead; didn't He see all that was going on? I lost hope in the marriage, and just wanted out.
We were one month away from our divorce being complete when a miracle happened. The Lord touched my husband's heart, and he accepted Christ as his personal savior. The problem was that now it meant nothing to me. All the years I had prayed for him to accept Christ, and now it happens! I was finished, and I wanted nothing to do with him.
My husband continued to pursue me and promised he would do whatever it took to save our marriage. I spoke to my pastor who told me I had nothing to lose by giving it one last try, so I finally agreed. It was my lawyer who introduced us to Penny and Bill, and it was then that the story began to change.
They worked with us, loved us and accepted us in spite of the terrible mistakes we had made. It was a long and hard road filled with many tears and a lot of pain. Yet, God began working a miracle in our hearts. It started to trickle down to our kids and slowly we saw the family being restored. There were many setbacks during this time, but God was faithful and as we opened our hearts to Him, He was healing and restoring us, not to what we were before, but so much better. I had a terrible time letting go of all the hurts, but God so gently taught me how to forgive. I realized that in all my Christian walk, I had never truly learned how to let go and forgive, and because of this I had years of anger, and unforgiveness that made me miserable.
As I released it all to God, I found a freedom I had never known before. I remember thinking that I could never love my husband again, and I would have to settle for a loveless marriage, but as I began forgiving him, God began to pour a beautiful love in my heart that I have never had before. I can say today that I love him more than I ever did.
As for Mike, in his sessions with Bill, God began shaping this new creation into a mighty man of God, the one I had prayed for all those years. In counseling, we were given the tools to work through our problems. Today, we have a new marriage, one where Christ is the Head and we are wrapped around Him. Our home is a peaceful one, and children continue to heal and are enjoying the unity that their parents share. To top it all off, God has moved us into ministry, and we are working with other couples to see God restore their marriages. We hold classes in our home every week and we stand back and watch the Master restoring lives and homes. It's truly awesome! Mike and I are attending Bible school to work towards our degree in counseling. Yes, life has really changed and we love it.
So that's our story, but this story is not about us, or even about counseling, though we love Penny and Bill more than words can say. Counseling is a tool that God uses, but it only works with willing hearts that are yielded to Him and are willing to obey Him. This is a story of the greatness of our God. It's about His faithfulness and forgiveness. We are only clay, but He's the potter, molding us into people who will please Him. I've learned that there is truly nothing that is impossible with God, no situation, and no person beyond His reach. I've also learned that it's not really about us, but about His kingdom being built here on the earth, and I'm so thankful to be part of it.
So if you're struggling today, yield to Him; you can trust Him, He is faithful and one day you will have YOUR OWN STORY TOO!
Actually, at one time we had a pretty good marriage, until September 11, 2001 when my husband lost his brother, a firefighter at the World Trade Center. This put a terrible stress on our family. It was the nightmare of nightmares, and unfortunately our marriage wasn't strong enough to withstand the strain. Little by little the silent resentment continued to build until one big fight changed everything. My husband wanted nothing to do with God. I was angry with him, with God, and with everyone else! After all, how could God let this happen?
Our marriage was falling apart! Things went from bad to worse until I finally asked my husband to leave. We were separated for 1 year. During that time there were lawyers, affairs on both parts, and our kids were going crazy. I remember crying out to God asking him if He was dead; didn't He see all that was going on? I lost hope in the marriage, and just wanted out.
We were one month away from our divorce being complete when a miracle happened. The Lord touched my husband's heart, and he accepted Christ as his personal savior. The problem was that now it meant nothing to me. All the years I had prayed for him to accept Christ, and now it happens! I was finished, and I wanted nothing to do with him.
My husband continued to pursue me and promised he would do whatever it took to save our marriage. I spoke to my pastor who told me I had nothing to lose by giving it one last try, so I finally agreed. It was my lawyer who introduced us to Penny and Bill, and it was then that the story began to change.
They worked with us, loved us and accepted us in spite of the terrible mistakes we had made. It was a long and hard road filled with many tears and a lot of pain. Yet, God began working a miracle in our hearts. It started to trickle down to our kids and slowly we saw the family being restored. There were many setbacks during this time, but God was faithful and as we opened our hearts to Him, He was healing and restoring us, not to what we were before, but so much better. I had a terrible time letting go of all the hurts, but God so gently taught me how to forgive. I realized that in all my Christian walk, I had never truly learned how to let go and forgive, and because of this I had years of anger, and unforgiveness that made me miserable.
As I released it all to God, I found a freedom I had never known before. I remember thinking that I could never love my husband again, and I would have to settle for a loveless marriage, but as I began forgiving him, God began to pour a beautiful love in my heart that I have never had before. I can say today that I love him more than I ever did.
As for Mike, in his sessions with Bill, God began shaping this new creation into a mighty man of God, the one I had prayed for all those years. In counseling, we were given the tools to work through our problems. Today, we have a new marriage, one where Christ is the Head and we are wrapped around Him. Our home is a peaceful one, and children continue to heal and are enjoying the unity that their parents share. To top it all off, God has moved us into ministry, and we are working with other couples to see God restore their marriages. We hold classes in our home every week and we stand back and watch the Master restoring lives and homes. It's truly awesome! Mike and I are attending Bible school to work towards our degree in counseling. Yes, life has really changed and we love it.
So that's our story, but this story is not about us, or even about counseling, though we love Penny and Bill more than words can say. Counseling is a tool that God uses, but it only works with willing hearts that are yielded to Him and are willing to obey Him. This is a story of the greatness of our God. It's about His faithfulness and forgiveness. We are only clay, but He's the potter, molding us into people who will please Him. I've learned that there is truly nothing that is impossible with God, no situation, and no person beyond His reach. I've also learned that it's not really about us, but about His kingdom being built here on the earth, and I'm so thankful to be part of it.
So if you're struggling today, yield to Him; you can trust Him, He is faithful and one day you will have YOUR OWN STORY TOO!
